Thoughts On New Year 2016

No one forbids you from saying 'Happy New Year'. It's the only public holiday celebrated everywhere, by everyone. It is inevitable because we cannot stop the time, and we cannot not celebrate it. At least, knowing that in between that one second to another, a new chapter will begin.

I don't know if this is one of our bad habits: to measure time. We always realize 'aw damn, another year has passed, so fast!', but pay little attention to what blessings we've gotten so far. We're too busy thinking of 'how difficult the year was' and 'more problems for the new year'. 

So with a humble heart, I should put aside my problems and say, 

Thank you, 2015, one of the most challenging years I have ever experienced. I am glad to experience each of them: love, lost, tirade, edge of the cliff, miracles, friendship, mentorship, helplessness, arrogance, minor depression, revelation of my passion, adaptation, getting to know myself.

To summarize: happiness.

I am happy and I want to stay this way.

So, no, I don't make any resolutios  because to live is to always aim for happiness, to cherish all kinds of moments, to pick up the pieces and move on, to take action and be the change you want to see.

Welcome, 2016!

Thoughts on Giving Up

"When do you know when to keep on moving or give up?"

It is difficult to distinguish whether the path you've chosen is the right one. A second thought is normal, but it leads you to question, "I had spent a generous amount of time deciding on the path I chose, but why am I now questioning that decision again?", and ultimately, "Is it too late to switch this path?", or "Should I switch my path?"

Now, you know that it is time to give up when:

1. You always look for excuses
   Whenever you make a mistake, you'll say, "Oh, I was tired", or "That's my nature. I hope you'll cope with that", or "My lecturer was not clear". If you love what you do, you won't be looking for external forces that lead to your mistakes.
2. You're not eager to expand your horizon
   You always depend on someone else to give you information on your subject. You're not eager to dig a little deeper on your own because you believe someone else will do it for you.
3. No matter how hard you try, you just can't reach it
   You like the subject, but you have no capabilities to accomplish your goals. Forget the quote "Everything is possible", and accept that you have to be realistic
4. You feel tired all the time
   Instead of taking some hobbies, sleep becomes your source of happiness. In reality, people who enjoy the path they've chosen will find happiness when doing their hobbies. Yes, their job is something that they are fond of, but there are other things they are fond of that are not translated in their job. If you are not constantly looking for productivity, you better give up.
5. You have a backup plan
   Yes, you'll switch your path, but you know it is not the end. Once you have a nicely-planned a backup plan, it's time to let go the path that has turned you into a miserable and sad person.

However, you can't freely change your path all the time just because you're bored or lazy af. Giving up is not synonymous to playing around and demand the world to serve you. Giving up shouldn't be a habit. Giving up should be a reminder that you have to work harder, as you're a few steps behind from the level you should've been, if only you had chosen this path from the beginning.

Thoughts on Living

To those who want to end their life

You cut yourself to prevent you from thinking about when to jump, when to drink, when to inject.

You feel this world is unbearable.

I understand.

You have the right to not wanting to live.

But please, hear me out.

Some people argue that life and death are options, thus every person should be granted the right to die, but dear, I should remind you one thing.

Living is never a choice.

Living is a privilege.

When you got a lucky draw
and given a privilege to do something until a certain date, 
will you maximize that privilege?

Yes, you will.

And you have to.

You won that once-in-a-lifetime lucky draw and there will be no second chance to earn that.

Life is cruel. Yes, it can be unbearable. 

Seek help.

Dark whispers telling you to leave do exist.

Please, seek help.

I always believe that everyone has a future,
because that heartbeat of yours is your purpose here.

There will always be a way.

Hang on, darling, but don't hang on in silence.

Scream.

Scream, so people know you are tired of living.

Scream, so people know that life is not okay.

Scream, so people can offer their help.

You are granted a privilege to live.
Do not let anything take that away from you.
You are born to love and be loved.

Give yourself a chance to make peace with yourself.

Give yourself a chance to make other people feel needed.

On top of that,
give yourself a chance to give something to others.

Prove that life is cruel,
but your kindness will kill this cruelness.

Make life the greatest privilege that you will never let death take it away before the assigned time.

Make your life the greatest way to touch others' hearts.

You are privileged.

Thoughs on Bouncing Back

I maximized the effort when writing my essay. I really did. I am a high-achiever, an ambitious girl who wants to get everything perfect. So when I got 58/100, my chest felt like pierced. My lecturer even approached me to say, "Your essay is really good, but you failed to address the question." I accepted the fact that rather than focusing on IMF, I focused more on US-China 'conflict'. I won't talk about the content of my essay here.

Usually when I got a bad grade, I'd lock myself and bang my head in disappointment (not literally), but this time, I am doing fine. I know I did really bad, but I accept the fact that I can't do anything about it now. All I have to do is to focus on my exam to ensure I'll get a satisfying final mark. Cliche? Yep. 

So I asked myself, what is really the reason, though?

Arrogance is a poisonous spirit that creeps into your mind, and the only cure for it is to be smacked by reality. This assignment, a tiny assignment (compared to other duties I have to do in the future as an adult), was promised to be returned in a month, and that one month has turned me into the biggest jerk I know (at least, in my head, because I wouldn't shout "I am smart you know!" to everyone).

I had become a jerk over a tiny assignment, so how will I be a humble person in the future?! What will happen to the promise I've made to myself, the promise of not turning into an arrogant moron?! I can't be a long-term moron, waiting for reality to smack me!

This must be universe telling me to keep humble. I realize that I've put on too high expectation on this assignment, and it had turned me into an arrogant bitch. It was that satanic whisper in my head that told me that I am a super smart lady, that I will undeniably get 80/100.  

That is why, after I felt piercings on my chest, I quickly recovered. At first I thought I was in denial, that I was actually sad but tried to look strong. However, when I came to my room, read the assignment again, and tried to cry, I couldn't. That was how I realized how reality has thrown a brick; I was hurt, but didn't bleed. I was arrogant these couple of weeks, and I deserve to be hit, but I am ready to bounce back, and this time, I hope I will bounce cautiously. 

You have to bounce, but remember, there is a ground down there. Promise me that you'll be careful next time. Promise me that you'll focus on the joy of being warned.Promise me you'll have the confidence and the humble heart.

Thoughts on Waiting

I am not going to post something about "Oh, being single is so much fun!", or "All guys are the same, they are lame" or "I am THIS independent and no one can meet my expectation". They aren't entirely true, and I believe someone can complement me.

I am 20 years old and never been in a relationship. I feel too young to make such decision, to commit into a relationship, with someone who will not stay. What is the point of wasting my time on something that I predict will end?

Having some guy friends and going on some dates make me realize that being in a relationship is not on my current to-do list. I have my reasons: it is difficult to find someone who is passionate about designing his future, and even more difficult to find a guy who properly invests in me.

What I see in my guy friends is a bunch of guys who know how to have fun but have no idea where to go. Sure, some will answer things like, "I am going to be a businessman", but I don't see what exactly lights up their eyes. Is it the fact that they can earn money, get a wife, buy them things, and travel? It is easier for me to trust a guy who is not vague in describing what he wants.

Passion is also about work ethic. Why would he say "This is my passion", but constantly put networking as the most important weapon to earn what he wants. Don't get me wrong. I agree that when he is passionate about something, he'll do ANYTHING to get what he wants, but when he is really passionate about something, he'll enjoy the journey of learning and earning what he wants. Indeed, network is important, but we need to earn OUR OWN NETWORK. True passion is when he doesn't mind to work extra hard for the sake of not getting any help from his father when looking for a job. I respect a guy who knows how to fish, not a guy whose father is a fisherman!

On top of that, I admire a guy who yearns to see the world changes. He is eager to get out of his comfort zone, face obstacles, and be the change he wants to see. He always looks forward to learn something new, from everyone. He has a humble heart and openness to listen.

I once went on a brief period of dating with a guy who knew exactly what he wants. He was confident and when I was with him, I felt secure. He was like the flight attendant during an airplane turbulence, who stood there, smiled, and said "Everything is fine, trust me." I felt lucky to have him, but something went wrong and we did not make it, and I finally discovered why: he did not invest in me. A couple months ago I was browsing my old writings when I stumbled upon my own definition of investing:

You want a relationship. The type of relationship where the room is crowded but you know he is there. And your gaze secretly swipes the room, looking for his silhouette. His silhouette is more than just a sign of being; it is the person whom you adore because he is there to support you, to comment on your music taste, or to ask you 'So aren't you going to show me your shots?' because he knows how fond you are of photography.

You don't need a constant reminder that you have someone who cares so much about you. You don't need him to like your pictures on Facebook because your appearance doesn't need a compliment. He will not text you everyday, asking 'What are you up to?' or 'What's your plan for today?' because he understands how you hate small talks.

He is the guy whose eyes spark while holding a banner saying 'Go achieve your dream!'

I want him to come up as he is. To love me in silence. To not try being the perfect guy. I don't want him to assure me all of his good qualities. I am not dumb; I don't need your explanations to see who you really are. Realness shouldn't be said as often. I demand actions. I demand consistency. And as long as he tries too hard, we better stay friends.

I want a relationship, but I don't need a guy who dramatizes his importance to manipulate our relationship, as if I should feel lucky to have him. Independence doesn't go well with 'self-centered-ness'. 

Did I mention flowers and opening door like Meghan Trainor's song? Nope. I don't want to be bought; I want to be invested in. It needs time, but turning friendship into a relationship is much more fun than prematurely popping the question.

photo credit: rocketrictic (Flickr)

I believe that this guy is somewhere out there, and I just want him to know that I can't wait to share inside jokes with him.