Off Track: Things You Can't Have

I was once told that we should never ever listen to a particular song when we are doing something we don't want to remember. Still, I always end up doing the same mistake. Last night, I was mentally tired and I could not help myself but replayed a song, again and again.

The song made me feel like a glass half full that no matter how much water one pours in, it can never be full.

Sometimes we want something that we can't have. We want someone to fill our glass although you know your line and the other's line can never meet.

People who can't stay are like the songs I play when doing something I know I don't want to remember.

I want to enjoy that brief moment of knowing that we can live those three minutes, although we know it will hurt. I want to replay that and keep it in my head, hum it when no one is around, and close my eyes to feel it closer to my heart.

After that, the song will stuck, and the feelings you've invested too much in it become permanent marker written on the melodies, reminding you of how much you tried not to replay but you were just that curious until you drank too much of it.

Until you are no longer a glass half full because right now...

...you are just that empty.

Thoughs on Bouncing Back

I maximized the effort when writing my essay. I really did. I am a high-achiever, an ambitious girl who wants to get everything perfect. So when I got 58/100, my chest felt like pierced. My lecturer even approached me to say, "Your essay is really good, but you failed to address the question." I accepted the fact that rather than focusing on IMF, I focused more on US-China 'conflict'. I won't talk about the content of my essay here.

Usually when I got a bad grade, I'd lock myself and bang my head in disappointment (not literally), but this time, I am doing fine. I know I did really bad, but I accept the fact that I can't do anything about it now. All I have to do is to focus on my exam to ensure I'll get a satisfying final mark. Cliche? Yep. 

So I asked myself, what is really the reason, though?

Arrogance is a poisonous spirit that creeps into your mind, and the only cure for it is to be smacked by reality. This assignment, a tiny assignment (compared to other duties I have to do in the future as an adult), was promised to be returned in a month, and that one month has turned me into the biggest jerk I know (at least, in my head, because I wouldn't shout "I am smart you know!" to everyone).

I had become a jerk over a tiny assignment, so how will I be a humble person in the future?! What will happen to the promise I've made to myself, the promise of not turning into an arrogant moron?! I can't be a long-term moron, waiting for reality to smack me!

This must be universe telling me to keep humble. I realize that I've put on too high expectation on this assignment, and it had turned me into an arrogant bitch. It was that satanic whisper in my head that told me that I am a super smart lady, that I will undeniably get 80/100.  

That is why, after I felt piercings on my chest, I quickly recovered. At first I thought I was in denial, that I was actually sad but tried to look strong. However, when I came to my room, read the assignment again, and tried to cry, I couldn't. That was how I realized how reality has thrown a brick; I was hurt, but didn't bleed. I was arrogant these couple of weeks, and I deserve to be hit, but I am ready to bounce back, and this time, I hope I will bounce cautiously. 

You have to bounce, but remember, there is a ground down there. Promise me that you'll be careful next time. Promise me that you'll focus on the joy of being warned.Promise me you'll have the confidence and the humble heart.

Thoughts on Waiting

I am not going to post something about "Oh, being single is so much fun!", or "All guys are the same, they are lame" or "I am THIS independent and no one can meet my expectation". They aren't entirely true, and I believe someone can complement me.

I am 20 years old and never been in a relationship. I feel too young to make such decision, to commit into a relationship, with someone who will not stay. What is the point of wasting my time on something that I predict will end?

Having some guy friends and going on some dates make me realize that being in a relationship is not on my current to-do list. I have my reasons: it is difficult to find someone who is passionate about designing his future, and even more difficult to find a guy who properly invests in me.

What I see in my guy friends is a bunch of guys who know how to have fun but have no idea where to go. Sure, some will answer things like, "I am going to be a businessman", but I don't see what exactly lights up their eyes. Is it the fact that they can earn money, get a wife, buy them things, and travel? It is easier for me to trust a guy who is not vague in describing what he wants.

Passion is also about work ethic. Why would he say "This is my passion", but constantly put networking as the most important weapon to earn what he wants. Don't get me wrong. I agree that when he is passionate about something, he'll do ANYTHING to get what he wants, but when he is really passionate about something, he'll enjoy the journey of learning and earning what he wants. Indeed, network is important, but we need to earn OUR OWN NETWORK. True passion is when he doesn't mind to work extra hard for the sake of not getting any help from his father when looking for a job. I respect a guy who knows how to fish, not a guy whose father is a fisherman!

On top of that, I admire a guy who yearns to see the world changes. He is eager to get out of his comfort zone, face obstacles, and be the change he wants to see. He always looks forward to learn something new, from everyone. He has a humble heart and openness to listen.

I once went on a brief period of dating with a guy who knew exactly what he wants. He was confident and when I was with him, I felt secure. He was like the flight attendant during an airplane turbulence, who stood there, smiled, and said "Everything is fine, trust me." I felt lucky to have him, but something went wrong and we did not make it, and I finally discovered why: he did not invest in me. A couple months ago I was browsing my old writings when I stumbled upon my own definition of investing:

You want a relationship. The type of relationship where the room is crowded but you know he is there. And your gaze secretly swipes the room, looking for his silhouette. His silhouette is more than just a sign of being; it is the person whom you adore because he is there to support you, to comment on your music taste, or to ask you 'So aren't you going to show me your shots?' because he knows how fond you are of photography.

You don't need a constant reminder that you have someone who cares so much about you. You don't need him to like your pictures on Facebook because your appearance doesn't need a compliment. He will not text you everyday, asking 'What are you up to?' or 'What's your plan for today?' because he understands how you hate small talks.

He is the guy whose eyes spark while holding a banner saying 'Go achieve your dream!'

I want him to come up as he is. To love me in silence. To not try being the perfect guy. I don't want him to assure me all of his good qualities. I am not dumb; I don't need your explanations to see who you really are. Realness shouldn't be said as often. I demand actions. I demand consistency. And as long as he tries too hard, we better stay friends.

I want a relationship, but I don't need a guy who dramatizes his importance to manipulate our relationship, as if I should feel lucky to have him. Independence doesn't go well with 'self-centered-ness'. 

Did I mention flowers and opening door like Meghan Trainor's song? Nope. I don't want to be bought; I want to be invested in. It needs time, but turning friendship into a relationship is much more fun than prematurely popping the question.

photo credit: rocketrictic (Flickr)

I believe that this guy is somewhere out there, and I just want him to know that I can't wait to share inside jokes with him.