Off Track: How It Feels Like to Live with a Chronic Liar

It is damn difficult, and you just hate every second of pretending everything is alright.

Knowing that everything that slips from her mouth is a never ending lie. You wish you knew: is it the truth? But you can never tell.

She speaks eloquently with words as sweet as honey and assurance as firm as a rock.

She comes to you when you give her what she WANTS, yet she embraces your enemy when she WANTS TO.

She shuts her mouth when you demand the truth, or even worse, she corners you with her judgements, as if you did not try hard enough to understand her.

She demands you to change, yet she fails to emphathize your cry for freedom.

Yes, freedom from her lies. Freedom from the hurtful feelings of betrayal from a person you care most. Freedom from the sleepless nights of wondering 'where should I start to make her understand how disgusted I am by the fact that I probably can never ever trust her'.

I wish she knew how I feel. I wish she talked to me. I wish she asked me questions. I wish she counted me in as an important part of her life. 

But no, I am just someone whom she kills slowly; she does not even try to let me in and help her.

Am I that useless?

Off Track: Things You Can't Have

I was once told that we should never ever listen to a particular song when we are doing something we don't want to remember. Still, I always end up doing the same mistake. Last night, I was mentally tired and I could not help myself but replayed a song, again and again.

The song made me feel like a glass half full that no matter how much water one pours in, it can never be full.

Sometimes we want something that we can't have. We want someone to fill our glass although you know your line and the other's line can never meet.

People who can't stay are like the songs I play when doing something I know I don't want to remember.

I want to enjoy that brief moment of knowing that we can live those three minutes, although we know it will hurt. I want to replay that and keep it in my head, hum it when no one is around, and close my eyes to feel it closer to my heart.

After that, the song will stuck, and the feelings you've invested too much in it become permanent marker written on the melodies, reminding you of how much you tried not to replay but you were just that curious until you drank too much of it.

Until you are no longer a glass half full because right now...

...you are just that empty.